TRIGGER WARNING — subject matter contains reference to infant & child loss
To my dear Lotus Method friends (or should I say pals?),
My name is Rachel. I am a virtual trainer here at The Lotus Method. Let me introduce myself:
I am a mom to two and a wife to my amazing husband and best friend, Conner. My hobbies include hiking, biking, baking, and dancing. Coffee is my drink of choice and chocolate is my guilty pleasure. I love my job for many reasons, but I feel beyond blessed to have the opportunity to train with all of you…you are amazing women who inspire me in countless ways.
While I cherish each beautiful moment with you and I love that we can celebrate milestones together through this journey, I also recognize that the road is not always easy. Here is my story:
** Disclaimer: I am not a counselor or psychologist. I am simply a mom who experienced a loss and is choosing to share her story. A loss is a loss. In sharing this experience, I am not pushing any specific beliefs or comparing grief. Trigger warning (loss of infant, mention of living child) **
As I think back on my first pregnancy with our son, I am overwhelmed with emotion.
I remember the tears of joy in the moment that I found out I was pregnant (We were having a boy! Baby Grant King named after Conner’s grandfather).
Followed by tears of sadness and worry when our OBGYN informed us of some severe complications.
Appointments shifted from an OBGYN to a Maternal Fetal Specialist where we celebrated his mini milestones of growth and prayed for positive test results.
We prepped the nursery and had a baby shower with friends and family. Each day was a long trek on a marathon of a pregnancy filled with hopes, dreams, fear, nervousness, excitement, and anticipation.
…then, just like that, baby Grant was born (full term) on March 29th, 2019 via scheduled C-Section.
He was beautiful in every way.
For one month in the NICU, Conner and I were blessed to have the opportunity to spend time with our baby boy. We will never take this time for granted as we know that so many do not have this chance. He passed away in our arms on April 15th, 2019.
Here is the thing about grief. It’s not linear. It’s like the ocean that comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it’s overwhelming. No mother should ever have to return home from the hospital with empty arms, to an empty nursery… her body ready to nurse. It is simply not fair. There were brutal days then and there are tough days now. The pain of each holiday, Mother’s Day, his birthday, etc. is all too real. And I have come to realize that this pain may never fully go away. We will always wonder “why.” Day after day, Conner and I do the best we can to live each day to the fullest. We have had to learn to ride the waves. While we lean on each other and we lean on our faith for comfort, there are still days that I feel all the emotions. One of my favorite poems describes the feeling of this loss:
Six months later, unexpectedly, I was pregnant again. Just in time for Thanksgiving!
Was I excited? Yes! Was I terrified? YES!
I had no idea what to expect and A LOT to fear. And as if our prior experience wasn’t enough, the world shut down with a global pandemic. Yet, I can’t fully express the feeling that I carried every day in this new pregnancy. I can only describe it as a sense of supernatural, divine peace. I had hope from above. I had this unexplainable joy in knowing that for whatever reason, everything was going to be alright for this baby. I felt angels looking after us… looking after me.
On July 25th, 2020, I went into labor. As we drove to the hospital, contractions in full swing, I looked to the left out of my car window. There it was. A giant rainbow painted in the sky for my rainbow baby. On July 26th, 2020, our baby girl Erin (meaning peace) was born! And on this day, there was not one, but two rainbows painted in the sky. Just for her.
Nine months later, I look at Erin with so much joy as I appreciate her health, her smiles, and her sweet spirit. But not a day goes by where I don’t think about baby Grant and what could have been.
Now the fact that you are here in this group breaks my heart. I wish I could heal your pain and take away the burden you bear. While I know that this would be an impossible task, I want to do what I can to provide support. This Facebook page is meant to be a source of comfort, positivity, and encouragement. My goal is to provide a safe haven where you can share your story if you choose to do so, or not if you would prefer to keep these memories to yourself. Regardless, I want to provide you with a group of loving pals in this special community, who will be here to hold your hand when you need it most. No matter the form of loss, no matter the grief, please know that you are not alone.
